Mama Bear's Claws

Last week my four-year-old went to the Halloween party at her dance school. She was so excited. She got to wear her Pocahontas costume, put on glittery gold eye makeup, and give and receive treats to her fellow dancers in the school.

We got there a little early, so we hung out in the lobby with the rest of the kids that go to the school, who range in age from three to over 18. As soon as we arrived, I noticed that a girl, who was at least 12 years old, was glaring at my daughter. She was staring at her, sizing her up and down, with a nasty scowl on her face. I had never met or even seen this girl before, but I didn't like how she was looking at my daughter. After a few minutes of her rude looks, she stomped over to us, hand on hip, and said in a very nasty voice to my four-year-old, Are you supposed to be Pocahontas? Like it was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever seen.

My daughter looked terrified, so I piped in with a slightly defensive, Yessss.

Then she all-knowingly and nastily responded, Well, Pocahontas doesn't wear shoes!! She then pointed down at the cute moccasin boots that came with my daughter's costume.

The happiness and excitement that had been so expressive on my daughter's face ten seconds earlier immediately drained from her entirely. She looked like she was going to burst into tears any second. It took every bit of maturity in me to retain my composure and remind myself that this snotty little girl was just that and I was the adult here, but the truth is I wanted to rip her hair out. I mean, c'mon. My daughter is only four, and here this 12-year-old insisted on knocking her down, breaking her heart, just because she could.

In that instant, I suddenly became terrified of the years to come. This girl's behavior gave me just a small, small glimpse of what my girls, and therefore I, am in for over the next 14 years and beyond. Girls can be so cruel and mean, and their words to their peers have such incredible power over each others' emotional well-being. Often moreso than their own family unfortunately. I can barely stand to think about the heartache and drama that my girls will undoubtedly have to face at some point.

What's equally terrifying to me, however, is how I'll handle these difficult situations when my girls have been hurt by a peer. If I'll be able to keep my Italian, tempered mouth shut. I know that being protective of your child is entirely natural and necessary, I just worry I err on the side of being overprotective sometimes. I think this stems from my childhood (doesn't everything?), particularly the relationship that I had with my little brother when I was a child, and to some extent still today. Our father is 100% Italian, but my brother inherited more of the Italian skin and coloring than I did. In the summer, his skin gets incredibly dark. This became a source for teasing by other kids, and he was often called the "N" word by the nastier group. I cannot tell you how many full-fledged fights I got into with other kids over my brother as a result. He was and is so easy-going and mild-tempered. Someone would call him that name or similar ones, and he'd let it roll off his back. I am not so easy, especially when it came to my little brother. If I heard anyone pick on him in any way, it tore through me like a raging fire. I would drag kids off their bikes if they dared to shout out a slur of any kind to my brother. Boys, girls, older, younger, it didn't matter. I eventually outgrew the physical scuffles, but a negative word about me and mine never went unchallenged verbally by yours truly. No way.

So when I saw this girl, who at 12-years-old should know better, being carelessly cruel to my little girl, I felt that protective surge all over again. Except this time, as the adult and mother, I of course held back. But it's so not in me to hold back. The fighter, the protector, the Mother Bear in me instinctively wanted to go on the verbal attack with this girl for threatening one of the cubs. It's how I felt, but of course I know better.

The best I can do as a mother is step in appropriately when it's called for and give my girls the skills and confidence to stand up for themselves and each other; but perhaps just as importantly, I remain committed to raising girls that are not these emotional bullies who are out to cut down everyone in their path.