Birthday Funk

Last Thursday I celebrated my 35th birthday. Since that day has passed, a few friends have reminded me that I am now officially closer to age 40 than 30. Does that depress me? Not really. It's hard to be upset about a number when I have all that I have in my life: a nearly perfect husband (I kid you not), adorable and healthy children, a new house, a good career, alive and well parents. What’s there to complain about? And it is just 35. C’mon.

Sure, I don’t have the rockin’ tight body I once had as an avid kickboxer, thanks to two c-sections and a hectic work and kids’ activities schedule that makes the prospect of going to the gym inconceivable to me. And yes, grey hairs have suddenly taken hold of my once thick, jet-black head of hair, forcing me to pay an unreasonable amount of money to my stylist to avoid the Italian skunk look. And sure, my once taut face is starting to show a few fine lines and evidence of one too many days in the sun when the thought of aging (or cancer) never entered my precarious teenage mind.

No, none of that consumes me because I am exactly where I wanted to be at this point in my life - and then some. I can always join another gym, pay a hairstylist, and buy extra moisturizer and sunscreen if those things bother me. I’m truly blessed for the life I have. I know that.

So, why is there still this small nagging part of me that is annoyed by Father Time this year? And at the still tender age of 35?? Is it because my husband and I decided this year that we wouldn’t have any more children and I’m sad about that? Is it because my husband had to work a crazy on-call schedule the week of my birthday, causing it to go uncelebrated, and I felt neglected? Is it because I'm starting to notice that my husband (who is younger than I am) is growing more attractive, distinguished with age, and I feel like I'm just getting older (and thus feeding into society's unfair view of aging men versus women). Am I dancing around it all and I really am narcissistic and worried about the grey hairs and the lines around my eyes, things I have never had to deal with before? I think a little bit of all of that has put me into a bit of a birthday funk. But it doesn’t consume me. Really.