Like Fiery Mother, Like Fiery Daughter

Sometimes I worry that my older daughter, Madelyn, is too much like me. Actually, I worry because she is exactly like me in nearly every way, inside-out. If you know me, I'm sure you're thinking, "Soooooo what? You are such a cool person - she should count her lucky stars if she's anything like you." Well, thanks! ;)

What you don't know is I wasn't always the fun-loving, relatively "together" person you know today. I've spent the bulk of my life not knowing what to do with an overwhelming feeling of intensity - about everything. Over the past 30-something years, I have cultivated that intensity and learned how to funnel it in positive and productive ways. Reign it in when need be (well, ok, a little). And today I love living and feeling life with the severity that I do. But I didn't always know how to handle it, especially as a child.

You would think that having this never-extinguishing ball of fire in your gut would cause you to act out as a kid - be the trouble-maker in class, the wild child. Not so much. I spent most of my childhood trying to contain it, worried that others could see the flames fuming out my ears, hear the crackling fire. It caused me to be fiercely introspective and obsessively controlled at school and around my peers. I would just let my feelings simmer until I got home. Once I was in my safe place, I let it all out. Release the fireball. My poor family. I think they walked around with third-degree burns most of the time. It wasn't that I was an angry child. I really wasn't. I just didn't know how to handle all that is "me." And most people in my life today don't know how to either! ;)

In school I became a one-on-one kind of friend because I was not capable of being "sort of" friends with anyone. Surface-level anything has never, ever been enough for me. I would be your bestest friend and protect you and love you vehemently - from the very pit of my soul.

My Madelyn is the same way. And someday this will serve her very well. But she's beginning to endure the same inner struggles that I had as a child. At home the kid is animated, loud, and...intense. In school, she is apparently following Mommy's pattern and is barely saying a word to anyone, hoping they come to her. It makes me so sad because she is not letting anyone at school know what a cool kid and great friend she is. But I understand it because that was me. I just hate to see her miss out on opportunities that I did because I didn't allow myself to break out of my self-imposed constraints. And in all honesty, even as an adult I haven't broken out of that entirely either. Sometimes it takes some time for me to "come out," but I get there now - completely - sooner than later. I know she will, too, eventually.

But as a mom, I want to prevent her from being hurt now. Three-fourths of the school year is already over and she has barely made any friends there except a friend she had built-in from dance school. That friend is probably the most outgoing and popular kid in her class. Madelyn just can't keep up with her. Being the one-on-one kind of friend that Madelyn is, she gets so upset because this friend is always surrounded by other kids. Madelyn is withholding her innate aggressiveness, so she ends up standing on the sidelines, trembling. This friend is deservedly popular, however, and constantly looks out for my Madelyn and tries to pull her out, but most of the time it is in vain. Unless they are alone - then Madelyn comes literally dancing out of her shell. (Note to self: remember to post the Baby Got Back story.)

Over the past few weeks, I have been planning Madelyn's birthday party. There is a girl in her class about whom Madelyn has been raving since starting school, so I asked her about inviting this girl. Madelyn immediately clammed up and said she didn't want to invite her anymore. Clearly something had happened to change her mind. I kept pressing what was wrong, but she was embarrassed about it. She finally told me that it was this girl's birthday a week or so ago. On birthdays, the teacher has them stand up and pick friends to represent the birthday cake "candles" while they sing. Of course the birthday child gets to pick the number of candles/friends as their age. So this girl got to pick six friends. She didn't pick Madelyn to be one of her candles. Not even making the top six friends totally broke Maddie's heart. Which in turn totally broke mine. I guess she thought they were friends.

You would think that having a child exactly like yourself would make it easier to parent that child. I mean, I've been through all this before, felt exactly like this before, right? Well, it only makes it more painful. Because I know from experience the only person that can pull her out of it is herself. Mommy can totally understand it and relate and talk her down and up best I can. I have to believe that helps. The best I can do is show her by example that you just have to love and be yourself. Someday she will embrace her intense, complicated self with pride and understand how powerful and wonderful it is to be her. Just the way she is. Just like Mama.