My Aching Uterus

Close friends of ours are expecting their first child any day now. Since my husband and I are 99% sure we are done having babies, we gave them all our nursery furniture - the crib, the changing table/dresser, the glider and ottoman, the bassinet, etc. They invited us over last week to see their finished nursery. When we walked in, I literally almost lost my breath. I hadn't seen all of our nursery stuff together in quite some time, and it gave me goosebumps. I was immediately overwhelmed with vivid images of both of my girls in their earliest days, on that very changing table, in that crib. It made me so sad. And I was so not expecting that reaction.

But that's all it took and my99% certainty against having any more babies was tossed on its head and lingered somewhere around 66%. I looked at my husband and said, "Well, maybe one more..." But we both knew it wasn't that simple.

I was lucky enough to work from home for the first three years of my oldest daughter's life. Not nearly long enough, but I'm still incredible grateful. Many mothers have to go right back to work after having a baby. But I was able to continue my career and be home. Don't get me wrong, it had its challenges, but I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

My youngest, however, was only 10 months old when my department was eliminated and I had to seek on-site employment. In a flash I was back in dress shoes and dropping my daughters off with my parents every morning. It's been that way now for going on two years, and it's been tough. While I'm incredibly grateful for my parents' help, a big part of me deeply envies my parents for being able to be with my children all day long. I envy the every-dayness, the routine of dropping my daughter off at preschool, picking her up, my two-year-old's snuggly afternoon nap.

And of course I miss the big things too. When my youngest was just over one year old, I had to go on a business trip to Tampa for four days. While I was away, she learned to walk. No one told me - it was going to be a surprise. When my husband picked me up from the airport, he brought the girls, and as I came off the escalator into baggage claim, I saw them and my one-year-old walked right to me. Sure, it was a sweet gesture, but I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Like, "Look, Mommy, what you missed." It absolutely killed me.

And there have been plenty of gut-punches since. Every morning when I see them off, I feel that jab. And so goes the struggle of working parents. So while the sight of rattles and mobiles and blankies does from time to time make my uterus ache, deep down I know I will always feel a bit of that. I think every mother does. If not for wondering what (or who) else could have been, but also in missing what once was.